“Be assured that there is a safe harbor. You can find peace amidst the storms that threaten you. Your Heavenly Father—who knows when even a sparrow falls—knows of your heartache and suffering. He loves you and wants the best for you. Never doubt this. While He allows all of us to make choices that may not always be for our own or even others’ well-being, and while He does not always intervene in the course of events, He has promised the faithful peace even in their trials and tribulations.”
—Joseph B. Wirthlin, “Finding a Safe Harbor,” Ensign, May 2000, 59
I feel like this quote is spot on to how I have been feeling lately. This is much more of a spiritual post than anything. For the past few months I have been feeling down for the majority of the time. Were there times where I felt better than other days? Yes. Yes there were. But overall I felt like there was this storm cloud hanging above my head, threatening to start a downpour. At times, it did, and I pitied myself in the torrential downpour. Letting myself become cold, wet, and miserable. I didn't bother to find an "umbrella" or a "warm place to wait it out". I just sat there. Now of course this is a metaphorical rain cloud. To me, it represents my mortal self battling against my spiritual self. The cloud started forming as soon as I stopped praying/consulting my Heavenly Father on a regular basis. This led to self-pitying thoughts, and of course the ever common "why me" type thinking. The more and more these thoughts came into my mind, the more the cloud grew. The more I didn't even want to pray, go to church, or read my scriptures. Now, I know there are some people who may read this and think I should be able to be happy without these things. That spiritual things, even religion is really just a bunch of hogwash. I would say to those people, "That is just fine to feel that way, but to me, my religion, my spirituality, is the core of who I am. Without it, I become a person whom I am not pleased with. A person who is less serviceable, less kind, and less forgiving." That's not to say I became, for lack of a better word, a "Scrouge." But I'm definitely wasn't who I knew I could be. The point is, I was making that choice to become that person. Lovely thing agency is, right? I became so self-pitying that I thought Heavenly Father didn't even care if I prayed to him or not. It didn't matter. I definitely became more bitter. I felt sad and lost. I of course, then started questioning the trials that stood before me. Both trials that I had made for myself, and the choices of close people around me that hurt me.
“Be assured that there is a safe harbor. You can find peace amidst the storms that threaten you. Your Heavenly Father—who knows when even a sparrow falls—knows of your heartache and suffering. He loves you and wants the best for you. Never doubt this. While He allows all of us to make choices that may not always be for our own or even others’ well-being, and while He does not always intervene in the course of events, He has promised the faithful peace even in their trials and tribulations.”
—Joseph B. Wirthlin, “Finding a Safe Harbor,” Ensign, May 2000, 59
Finally one day, I was sick of this self-inflicted storm I had created for myself. I was sick of feeling sorry for myself, I was sick of not talking with my Heavenly Father. I felt like I literally had to force myself to pray. It was not a fabulous prayer, nor was it lengthy. But I had prayed! Wahoo! I had prayed and I felt good. I could see just the tiniest bit of light creeping through my storm cloud. As I continued to pray (when I would remember, darn those habits!) I continued to feel warmer. I continued to feel happier. I felt the love I had been blocking, break through and radiate within me.
“Every person who comes to earth is a spirit son or daughter of God. Since all love emanates from God, we are born with the capacity and the desire to love and to be loved. One of the strongest connections we have with our premortal life is how much our Father and Jesus loved us and how much we loved Them. Even though a veil was drawn over our memory, whenever we sense true love, it awakens a longing that cannot be denied.”
—John H. Groberg, "The Power of God's Love," Ensign, Nov. 2004, 9
I guess the point in my writing this is to testify of the power of prayer. Prayer, at least for me, gives me that connection between my loving Heavenly Father I truly need in my life. I need someone who understands me completely, to listen to me. Especially through the trials, whether they be big or small. I hope, if you are still reading this, that if you feel distant from your Heavenly Father, or if your storm cloud has turned into a hurricane, you consider prayer. Even if you feel you are not worthy (trust me, I have felt that way), if you feel like no one is listening, or if it feels like it's your last option. Pray. Not just once and call it quits, pray every day for a week. See if something in your life changes, or if your burden is lightened. I believe it will be.
I love all of you who read this!
-Nichole
No comments:
Post a Comment